When Sisters Don't Speak...Pain Happens
On a listserv a subscriber brought to our attention that two young women died due domestic violence bringing the issue near and real.
October is Domestic Violence Month!
However we should address the issue 365/24/7!
Domestic violence is real. And more common than you think. It may be called something else in your family but at the end of the day, it’s an unhealthy relationship for all those involved – you, your children, family and friends. They all become under siege as well.
Did you know?
- African Americans, including African American Women suffer deadly violence from family members at higher rates decidedly than for other racial groups in the United States.
- The Surgeon General of the United States reports that domestic violence causes more injury to adult women than cancers, heart attacks, or strokes.
- FBI statistics point out that a woman is battered every 15-18 seconds in the United States.
- More than 3 million children witness domestic violence, and more than 4 million women are battered to death by their husbands or boyfriends each year.
- Approx. 1/3 of female murder victims in the U.S. are killed by their husband or boyfriend. Source: http://www.blackwomenshealth.com/domesticviolence.htm
Domestic violence and exposing its roots
This issue weighs heavily upon my heart being in public health and seeing stories of the epidemic of no to low self-love, self-care and self-worth as the root cause for issues like HIV/AIDS, domestic violence, unwanted pregnancies, etc. and this is with ‘educated, professional black women’ in Washington, DC alone.
One Young Woman's Personal Story…Understanding the roots of domestic violence
My mother and both my aunts have experienced domestic violence. All eventually left the situation some quicker than others namely my mom. But the most memorable story is the following…having a background in health communication has given me the ability to heal and understand why we do what we do.
Growing up I remember one aunt having a husband who physically and verbally abused her. She grew up in a two-parent household with God-fearing parents, had honest work, and lived in a decent black community while raising four children, with a stay-at-home mother who smoked like a ‘choo-choo train’ as my mom would say. They were loving parents to their children and grandchildren.
And the pressure on my mom’s generation growing up in the 1950s of having a nuclear family at what cost was something to costly to conceive. For instance, one day my aunt’s husband came to my grandparents’ house with a gun and a fired a shot through the wall missing my uncle. Eventually they divorced and she remarried taking her two sons who fell to the statistics of black men – high school drop outs, gay and in jail.
My Role Model
Only a few visible female role models of color in my home state, I admired and enjoyed being around my cousin “K” who was the youngest in her family. She was the reason why I went to the same university and joined the same sorority chapter resulting in my being the first in my family to attend college and begin building a legacy. What would happen next change my view of her remaining my role model…Before getting married, her soon-to-be husband and she would have food fights as my aunt would report. Spaghetti on the wall….what’s the harm, right? I have learned that small steps can lead to big dangers or big rewards. In this case that's the former.
Her Childhood
Coming from a family of three children, “K” grew up in the suburbs in a nice community; parents had decent jobs, and stayed together until the kids grew up. Ultimately they divorced. Later the father died of liver failure from years of alcoholism, which properly contributed to the violence exchanges with my aunt. But no one would call them that.
Her Marriage
Like her mother, her husband and she were ‘cookie cutter classics;’ they were a cute couple at times referred to as siblings, had decent jobs, lived in the suburbs and went to church. Unlike her mother, they both were Greek, married after college, and moved to another state close to her older sister. Unlike her, the husband didn’t finish college and didn’t have a healthy relationship with his parents to the point that my cousin’s mother took him under her wing. After the newlywed year, in the first three years of marriage, they would have fights and arguments. After pregnancy she gained a little weight. She discovered a ‘clue’ in the car that he cheated on her; she was going to divorce. However during the separation, she decided to go back and now they have a second child. This is a classic --- birthing a new child to reunite the flame.
The Flashback
Long before her marriage, her high school sweetheart who she intended on marrying was shot and killed by young male high school student. The guy patted her on the butt, her boyfriend tried to protect her and confront the guy, and the shot went off. And she witnessed it. That experience never left me. It was so close and too real.
Pondering Questions
Also her family life wasn’t so peachy - she came from a family of domestic violence – by both the mother and father. So for her, living in a household with violence was tolerable whereas the adultery was almost a divorce-maker. Why did she stay? To maintain a home? A status? A two-parent household like she had regardless of the situation? Was she fearful of being a single black woman with a child? Did she not have self-worth and self-love to know that God would provide? What will she teach her girls indirectly by her ‘merely’ staying in the situation? Will the situation really improve without proper intervention?
Conclusion
This is how the generational cycle of violence begins. Because my mom had a low tolerance of men abusing women, I never saw that in my house. Whereas my cousin grew up in a house of violence - whether small or large – its all the same, so what is the future of her child? Her child might find love in the wrong places, because she doesn’t know what ‘healthy’ love looks like. She may not marry. She may challenge herself in finding ‘authentic’ love that Corinthians speaks of. We will see. The story continues…
Lessons Learned
If we look for love in the wrong places …cookie cutter idealistic, materialistic, “The Joneses” you will set yourself up for failure every time…I am seeing it with my friends…I almost did it to myself…And I found the road less traveled…called ‘Be You. Be True.”If women (young and seasoned) don’t find the love for themselves, what are they showing their little girls?
When they stay in a situation for money, prestige and status, but cry ourselves to sleep at night, what message are we sending to our girls by the half-fulfilled lives we live? Please believe they are more in tuned and smarter than we think. Children’s brains are like sponges so the images become even more powerful to them than even adults. Children learn best by what you do not simply what you say. Because we are all ‘visual’ people.
Various levels of communication multiply the issue. For instance, if we understand to impact of social ecological model…(See map) we have policy, media messages, people, family, peers and ourselves as well addressing our past to move into our future reinforcing unhealthy messages about being black, let alone a woman, women will continue to not properly address the issue in a meaningful way. So to address domestic violence, you must address the community and the WHOLE woman.
It’s not simply more restraining orders, re-enforced laws, but loving ourselves, our families and loving our communities. And for them to love women back is even more important! This past Sunday, an invited past at church spoke about Yale Law professor Stephen Carter’s book on Integrity.
And I must have supposed to hear his message, because it resonated with me. Particularly the part on not being fence rider and standing for what you believe – standing for what is right not wrong. Most people are traveling the wrong road and only a few we travel the road leading to authentic. No one self it would an easy travel to not pick the cookie cutter, to take the job that has the high salary but if its not living your purpose, it’s not worth it. But as the pastor noted you will never go wrong when you choose right! And only if you have a great relationship with your sprit will you know the answer. It’s like your internal compass focused on the star on high!
If women’s sum total value based only on “visible” such as physical and economic value versus a combination of social/emotional and economic value then we have failed on arrival. Focus on building what is absent, not just what is present. It’s better to ask start early than later.
Take the ‘check up’ challenge! Ask yourself:
- What are my top ten traits that I value?
- Do the people in my life reflect my value system?
- What were healthy examples of love?
- How do I show ‘authentic love’ to myself?
- What has brought my joy in the past 6 months?
- If people judged me by my friends, what do they reflect?
- If people judged me by my husband/boyfriend, what does he reflect?
- How do I define ‘authentic love’?
- Am I living an authentic life?
- What is my life’s goal? How am I fulfilling that?
- What were my childhood dreams?
- What is my own value?
- How do I define your womanhood?
- What is the payoff to have a cookie cutter life?
- What is your return on investment? Is it worth in the bigger picture?
- Am I living a life of regrets? How can I change?
- Am I surviving or thriving?
- What support do I need to make the change? Do I have sisters to support me?
- How have I coped, managed and addressed my childhood past?
- What secrets do I have that present me from living an authentic self?
Breaking the cycle: Dispelling secretsAs my mom would shudder at the thought of exposing a slither of ‘family business,’ I am a writer and an artist by nature. We can not heal if we live a life in secrecy. I believe in the power of sharing stories for hope and help. And I must start with telling my own. I hope you find the courage to be authentic and tell yours.
There is power in sharing. I have personally seen what physically happens to you when you live a life in secrecy. You form a stress-related disorder like fibromyalgia, psoriasis, eczema or have a heart attack to where you have to re-do your lifestyle/your way of living. That’s my mom’s story. She had to tell her truth to me.
From studying nutrition, physical activity, behavioral health, and health communication for many years, I have become cynical over the overexposure and overuse of diet plans, programs, pills and so much and too much focus on physical improvement whereas the focus should be more on mental, emotional, and spiritual health improvement.
As one Air Force Academygrad told us in a youth conference that 'We need a check up from the neck up!'
Don’t get me wrong I have a gym membership too; and I don’t drink, don’t smoke
and I watch what I eat with each spoonful. Just a joke!
However, I have learned that majority of us don’t die merely because of bad eating choices and not working out, because we don’t address our mental, emotional and spiritual health. We don’t show and give ourselves ‘true love’ but in the meanwhile expecting our partners to do what we often can not and don’t know how to do for ourselves when we must and time for ourselves to heal from our past trauma and stress. That’s the REAL root cause to much of what ails us.
Read recent news:
When do we become “thrivers” versus survivors?
When do we become victors and not victims?
If women love ourselves as God does, they would not allow themselves to gain short term happiness for a long term pain. So that means women must know God for themselves. And if the society loved us as women should love themselves they wouldn’t allow perpetrators to get away with little time for their crime. How many more examples of ‘misdirected’ role models do we need?
My journey to help othersAs a former communication consultant to Boston Black Women's Health Institute, we had brought Aishah Simmons, the filmmaker of
Norbit) is FORCED to marry the 'mean, black, big woman' In secrecy women of plus sizes I don’t think our laughing with Eddie. We become perpetuators of the stereotypical images - both men and women - don’t find the humor when we have an issue of worth, love and value especially among our girls.
Our futureWhen women, young women and girls ALLOW
(yes, because I believe we all have choices, it’s just the consequences we face at the end of the day) themselves and girls (who we should protect) to be victimized by any perpetrator - whether it's small or big - it's still is a reflection of how women value themselves. Because of the large ratio of women to men in DC, some men exploited and some women have become desperate in the situation, because they allow the 'stats' to override their personal self-worth.
Like my wise mother said, 'Men won't do anything to you that you don't allow them to do!' I firmly believe that. The power of the mind is profound. If you believe he will ruin your reputation, hit hour, or [fill in the blank] if you leave him; who cares?
Are you not worthy?
Domestic violence is a very real issue. That's this past weekend, participants tackled the issue at the Maryland Women's Legislative Briefing Conference.
There’s an increased surge in domestic violence, mental health breakdowns, grief, depression, homicide and suicide post-Katrina. We need to properly address the root cause to the violence by building a community of ‘authentic’ love.
Recommended Reading:
- A Lifetime of Peace by Thing Nhat Hanh
- Non Violence Communication: A Language of Life by Mark Rosenberg
In an economic depressed area such as parts of New Orleans as well as Southeast Washington, DC, one can find higher poor health rates. There is a strong correlation between wealth and health when addressing violence. When we don’t have a basic needs met, we can’t take time to think about improving our mental health and finding better ways to communicate to our children.
Hate begets hate. Love begets love.
If women have no love for themselves, then other people won’t show the type of healthy love they need. Ultimately internal hate in one’s self becomes extended outwardly to the people close to them. And they make things it’s something wrong with them and its not or maybe a combination especially if it’s a co-dependent situation. Honestly, most people have not taken time to deal with their own issues—from childhood traumatic experiences, developing healthy coping skills, and/or recognizing that we have 'baggage' holding women back from being their authentic selves.
If women and men become aware and trained our minds and souls to be as healthy as our bodies, we could address the root cause that stems into HIV/AIDS, domestic violence, verbal abuse, complacency, etc. Also the mental health system would buckle for those women and men seeking professional help.
Currently the system is in dismay and there is already a shortage of mental health providers, especially of color, for a variety of reasons e.g. the perceived value of mental health is low partly due to misunderstanding and lack of awareness, which breeds the mental health stigma in the community. One solution is creating a lay community health advisors approach providing compassionate, preventive care, therapy, coaching and communication tools to the community.
Starting in mental health
When I first came to DC, I started my career doing a short stint in the area of youth, traumatic, stress and special programs at the U.S. HHS/Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration where the largest federal partnership between U.S. Dept. of Justice and U.S. Dept. of Education focused on youth violence prevention due to Columbine. So having seen the statistics and having the issue reach the federal is a tell-tell sign that work has to be done.
Rewards from grad school
I have personally benefited from having a master’s degree in health communication. Through my program at Tufts Medical in Boston, I learned the power of behavior change communication at different levels, particularly intrapersonal in what we say to our selves can make a profound impact on our ability to make change for the better.
With the issues of self-worth, self-love, and self-worth among women running so high as well as with men, those issues would be the root cause of domestic violence. And what they value or not value in themselves becomes expressed in our relationships and then 'justifying' why we should stay. But at what cost especially when our children are involved and they become second-hand 'abusers and victims'? We need to recognize the small things matter in contributing to the larger issue of domestic violence. It’s not just physical, but financial and verbal. It’s dis-empowering issue.
Sisters sharing stories
I had an opportunity to personally meet with KIM Says Sister Speak Sessions providing a safe, warm environment for young women to be real and share their stories and build a sisterhood that we all should be a part of regardless of sorority status.
And as the author Alice Walker states, 'We are the ones we have been waiting for' and what the famous all-black female acapella group ‘Sweet Honey on the Rock’ would sing too.
See a video clip of the trailer to Soulmate about Black women and singleness.
Did you know?
Many Black women may find it harder to leave a battering relationship than White women. The reasons for this are unclear, but some possible explanations include the following:
- African American women have fewer options in their search for a marital partner than do White women
- African American women on average, have a lower income level than that of most White women
- Black women are reluctant to call the police because they see the racial injustice in the criminal justice system
- Community support systems including women’s shelters and other service programs may be less available to them and they may view the shelter system movement as something mainly to benefit White women. Unfortunately, many Black women resort to “homicide” as an answer to the violence and battering they encounter
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